To blave.

If I had to sum up the basic format of this blog, it would go something like this-

  • It’s a normal day.
  • Something goes wrong because kids.
  • I find the positive in said situation and exploit it for its potential for laughs, turning the entire day into a funny/relatable story, pretty pictures placed throughout.

Then there is an alternate format, and that of course is the Look At This Cool Thing We/I Did and Also Took Pictures Of.

It makes for good reading. People love stories, especially funny ones with happy endings and pretty pictures.

But I’ve not been super prolific as of late, and it’s not only because my keyboard seems to be slowly dying (probably as a result of repeated assaults by coffee spills and muffin crumbs). It’s also because if I tried to apply my basic format to the recent goings on in my life, it would go a little something like this-

“Woke up late today, got the big girls ready for school. Screamed at everyone because how friggin long does it take to put on a pair of gd snowpants? They somehow didn’t miss the bus, which was advantageous, I’ll give you that. Thank goodness that’s done, now I can park the littles in front of the Netflix, cry uncontrollably for a half hour at the kitchen table thanks to the guilt over the screaming at everyone, and finally go back to bed for the entire day because being awake is bullshit.”

Annnnnd repeat. For pretty much all of November and December. Not very compelling blog fodder.

By the time the girls got out for winter break, my sister was up visiting/helping, which was amazing because I really got to focus on my whole Staying in Bed Because Being Awake is Bullshit philosophy. I mean, I was also super pregnant, so you could kind of cut me some slack. But it turns out that even when you’re super pregnant people don’t like it when you say things like “I just want to sleep forever” and that kind of shit ends with you spending New Year’s Eve on a very uncomfortable chair in an office in the Emergency Room, essentially working the system just to get the quickest referral possible to a doctor who specializes in perinatal mood disorders. (Spoiler alert: haven’t actually seen her yet, but my name’s on the waitlist! They said they’d probably be able to get me in in February, so (sarcastic) fingers crossed.)

Exactly the way you want to spend the day when you’re 40 weeks and 3 days pregnant, right? Sitting in this horrible chair for five hours? By the end, I was seriously considering making a little nest on the floor out of our coats.

During the first couple weeks of January, I still mostly just stayed in bed, but some of that was actually justified after the whole having a baby part (which yeah, yay and all that, and I’m sure I’ll write up a birth story at some point). As of last week, the desire to stay in bed has lessened somewhat, which I’m going to go ahead and attribute to the daily use of a therapy lamp (SAD, you old so-and-so).

Here’s the part where I wrap it up and find the positive side of it all, but-

PLOT TWIST-

I actually still have no emotions (except of course for some occasional seething rage, which is super fun for the whole family) and I still think Everything is Bullshit.

But I did rearrange the living room on a whim the other day, which my therapist says is a good sign because that’s my creativity trying to come out, that I’m trying to change what’s around me because I want to change, and it means I’m not actually all dead inside, I’m only mostly dead.

And mostly dead is slightly alive.

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