Last week was a rough week. Things are much better this week. But I still feel like I want to talk about last week. I wrote a bit here and there throughout the week, so instead of trying to condense it all into a single cohesive thought, I’m going to present it in a day-by-day format.
Wednesday: Sometimes I think I lead a charmed life. Oh sure, I have shitty days just like anyone else, but on the whole? I’ve got it pretty damn good. Fantastic husband, 3 healthy girls, great place to live, hobbies I enjoy, everything is good. To the point where sometimes I hear about some tough thing a friend is going through, and I just think- I can’t even relate. It makes me feel guilty.
But everybody’s got something.
I haven’t spoken of it here, because I tend to keep this space light and humorous. Even when life is all ka-blooey, I tend to look for a humorous pov and exploit it. It’s how I do. It’s my way.
Thursday: But I’m not feeling very funny today. Today I’m feeling sad and crampy and irritated. I am (was?) 8 and a half weeks pregnant, and I’m pretty sure I started miscarrying yesterday. And it sucks. It sucks because I’ve got friends who have fertility issues,Â realÂ issues, and here I am bemoaning the fact that I’m losing a baby that would put me well over the 2 that everyone seems to think is plenty. It sucks because I have to hear strangers make offhand comments about how insane I am to have my 3 kids while I am in the process of losing another. It sucks because we didn’t even tell many people about this yet, because you know what? This isn’t the first time. We lost another, back between Violet and Bianca. That sucked too. Because that time, it was so early that it felt like it didn’t even count. Except it did. And we move on, and we deal.
Friday: It makes me grateful for my wonderful husband, who took the day off work today to help wrangle children and handle school schedules and manage naptimes and made a wonderful dinner. And it makes me oh so grateful for my girls. They have no idea what is going on right now, but they know something’s up. Violet is extra snuggly. Bianca is cute as ever. And today Fiona brought me a dish she concocted all on her own. She called it a “happy snack” and it was to help me feel better. And so the three of them clambered into my bed and all four of us shared a plate of Rice Krispies topped with maple syrup and two big dollops of Nutella. And it really did help.
I hesitated sharing this here. This is still primarily a space for funny stories and pretty pictures. But it’s also a space to share our life, and this is a part of our life. It sucks, but it is what it is. What I want people to take from all this is this- everybody’s got something.
Monday: It’s never a good thing when you go in for what should be a 9-week ultrasound and the tech says not a single word to you during or after the exam. But this afternoon I met with our midwife, who did have the results, and our suspicions were confirmed. No more pregnancy. Findings consistent with a complete abortion. Which is a horrible phrase, btw. I realize it’s just medical terminology for a miscarriage, but still. Ouch.Â Still, it’s good to know that things are nearly back to normal. And it was nice to visit and catch up with our midwife. She’s great.
And now it’s Friday again. I’m feeling surprisingly okay. I mean, I’m bummed. I was starting to get excited, you know? A baby. But at the same time- I’m okay. Maybe I somehow knew, on some deep level, that this baby wouldn’t make it to term, maybe that’s why I didn’t let myself get too emotionally invested yet. I don’t know. But whatever the reason,things are okay. We move on. We drink some wine and eat some sushi and move on.
And we make some faces. Like this one from last Thursday. Because if you can’t laugh and be goofy when you’re going through some shitty shit? Everything just seems shittier.