Moving tips- from somebody who is super qualified to give advice, clearly.

Just thought I’d take a few moments to hit you with my wicked helpful tips to help your move go smoothly. A list of dos and don’ts, if you will.

DO: Line up childcare for your 4 monsters for the days the movers come. It is a fucking shitshow if you don’t.

DON’T: Get strep throat and throw your back out the weekend before your move, which guarantees that you’ll start your week behind and by the middle of the week you will be so tired that you end up doing things like bending down to pick up a box of tissues and wind up asleep on the living room floor for 20 minutes.

DO: Start your antibiotics before your 3-day lab cultures come back positive. You know it’s strep, your doctor knows it’s strep- let’s stop with the coy “I’ll write the prescription but you just wait to fill it until the results come in on Thursday” baloney. Treat that shit. You cannot survive moving week unable to swallow even your own saliva. Those meal replacement shakes will keep you from passing out but only just.

DO: Designate a “Do Not Pack” zone where you can stash stuff you need to not be in a box. Like car keys, and 87 pairs of little girl underwear. Also do organize this space properly.

Bonus points if you can somehow convince your children to just sit quietly in said designated area for the duration of the week.

DO: Buy about 2 dozen new sundresses at H&M to outfit your 3 daughters for the duration of the summer. One piece outfits that allow for unlimited underwear changes per day. It is one of my best ideas yet. If you choose, you can also do this for your son, I don’t judge.

DONT: Have a dog. It is hard enough to keep children supplied with Cheerios and clean-ish underpants, don’t force yourself to go walking around picking up shit twice a day.

DO: Have a dog. So that when your children spill said Cheerios all over the kitchen floor, cleanup is as simple as a “Copper! Cleanup!” So really, make your own choices about your dog situation.

DO: Make up a huge amount iced coffee ahead of time and put it in the fridge. I didn’t do this until today, and I regretted it the other day when I was blocked out of my kitchen, couldn’t leave the house, and was in dire need of a cold caffeine fix. Today I’ve got a whole pitcher ready to go and life is grand.

DO: Pay $7 for a plate of plain spaghetti to be delivered to your door. Because it’s likely your 5yr-old has eaten nothing but Popsicles for 3 days.

DO: Continue making facebook posts about food until your neighbor offers (and hand delivers!) you a rhubarb mojito. It will be more delicious than the iced coffee, bagels, and sandwiches you’ve hinted at wanting, and will pair perfectly with the pizza you had delivered with that $7 spaghetti.

DON’T: Forget to put pull-ups on allllll your not-yet-night-trained children. (Especially if you are all sharing the one queen mattress that isn’t packed up.) Unless you enjoy waking up at 3:30am soaked in some one else’s urine. And that one I will judge you for, that’s fuckin gross. Have some self-respect.

DON’T: Be a martyr. God invented iPads and Netflix for a reason. This is not the time for screen time limits.

DON’T: Schedule your move to occur during the hottest week of the summer. I also do not recommend moving during the coldest week of the winter. Fun fact- we did both with this house.

DO: Try to remember that this is all very very big and scary and unknown to your children. Take time to sit and hold them when they tell you that they “feel funny about moving. I just feel different, mum. In my tummy I feel weird. I don’t want to go away from my friends.” Try to keep this in mind when you suddenly realize that your backyard is full of chIldren, only half of which belong to you, and have as many play dates as you can humanly manage.DO: Realize that all these feels your kids are feeling may  cause you to do things like pack everyone up and drive to Toys R Us to buy Furblings for everyone because their sudden hysterical crying over not having access to any dress-ups is truly heartbreaking.

Lastly, DO: Have truly amazing neighbors who are willing to help you 8 ways to Sunday and who are really making it hard to be excited about leaving, you guys. Seriously, I could not have made it through this week without your help. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Come and visit me in Québec!